Traveling to America With Some Extra Stops

In my previous travel blog, I promised to write about my time in China. Sadly, China was so similar to Ireland that I didn’t even try. This year we decided to travel to the USA and Canada which felt much more foreign.

When we arrived in New York our bags decided to spend a little bit of time in London without us. This was probably because we had to sprint to make our connecting flight. Air Lingus’ cloud-based IT system decided it would be hilarious to cease to exist.

One of the first things you will notice about New York is the horns. A lot of American roads run on the idea that you can turn right on red lights. In New York this is limited to certain streets but it seems a lot of the populace dearly disagree on which streets. Every three or four streets you can find a New Yorker blaring their horn at the driver in front with the driver occasionally answering in kind. In Ireland, drivers use their horn only after tutting and light flicking has failed and in China, drivers blare their horns to signal that they are about to do something mental. Drivers in New York appear to use their horns liberally for any infraction. If a driver is confused by another changing lanes, BEEP. If a driver is slower off the mark than a Formula 1 car, BEEP.  If a driver dislikes the colour of a pedestrian’s scarf, BEEP. I was told that New Yorkers were rude but I think it is the drivers ruining the whole city’s reputation.

We bought tickets for the New York bus tour but found its automated messages didn’t quite work. Some of the trivia would get cut off if the bus moved too quick. Other messages pointed out landmarks which we hadn’t even seen yet.

I found it fascinating that smoke is constantly emitted from the ground in New York. I thought that this was put in movies to add a noir atmosphere but it turns out New York is just a steamy place.

Whilst our hotel was quite nice, I had quite a lot of issues with the shower. There were two knobs controlling the shower and no discernible marking on either of those knobs. Together these two knobs would decide the strength of the waterflow, the temperature and which of the three places the water would spring forth from. Two into three does not go and I never got the hang of the quantum super-positioning needed to make it work.

I was told homeless people lived under the city. I checked every grate I walked over for homeless housing. This resulted in me walking into three irritated New Yorkers and one apologetic Canadian.

My sense of direction has never been the best. I intended to book a hotel in Buffalo but instead booked a hotel in Canada. It’s an easy mistake to make but I should have realised that before ordering a taxi there!

Thanks to Apu from the Airport Taxi Service and his mobile phone hotspot we were able to successfully cross the border.

We were very happy with our hotel which had a really nice view of the Niagara Falls. All the local hotels and restaurants seem built with the intention of showing the Falls to their customers.

Niagara itself has a lot of silly amusements which is perfect for me because I love that sort of nonsense.

It was at this point in the holiday that I realised the tips I had agreed to pay with my card had not been coming out of my card. To this day, they still haven’t been collected and I don’t want the servers to think I’m ‘that guy’.

Not that I agree with the tipping culture, it’s annoying to calculate and doesn’t provide you with better food (the main thing you want in an eatery). The service is barely any better and your social interactions with the servers leaves you feeling like you walked onto the set of Black Mirror.

We had to change the take off point for our Whirlpool Jet Boat since we were now in a different country. The Whirlpool Jet Tour doesn’t take you to the Niagara Falls, rather you get up close and personal with the ‘Devil’s Hole’

and also view some of the Niagara River rapids. It was really fun but the high-speed boat left us soaked through. One of the other passengers clearly hadn’t read the warning to bring spare clothes. This meant he had to purchase an entire ‘Whirlpool Jet Tours’ themed outfit, down the branded boxer briefs.

The next day we decided to get the much more relaxing Niagara Falls Boat Tour and were left thoroughly soaked thanks to the huge amount of spray coming off the Falls itself.

We must have confused the hotel staff thanks to the titanic amount of wet clothing left lying around.

I really enjoyed Niagara and the Fallsview Sheraton hotel…but my score is pending until they return my deposit which they have forgotten somehow.

Whilst taking another connecting flight we spent our time participating in the mild entertainments like gaming, reading and giving first class passengers the ‘evil’ eye.

We decided to take a boat-like object from Boston down to Salem. Our catamaran bounced around on the rocky sea leaving me with a choice of whether to throw up on my wife or abandon her at the front of the vessel. I chose the latter but that didn’t stop the other passengers from projectile vomiting around her. We left the boat feeling shaken unlike the sailors who seemed nonplussed by the events.

Salem itself was packed full of stimulating history from the American naval background, to witch trials, to the Cluedo house. The Salem Trolley Tour guide showered us knowledge of the town and a smattering wit. Easily the best tour we took.

Whilst the Boston Sheraton hotel was nice it was filled with constant reminders that you hadn’t purchased the most expensive package. The buffet for instance, was segregated based on what package you had purchased with the hotel. You always have the option of spending $7 to upgrade for some bacon but is that really a choice you want to be making after you have already shelled out a considerable amount of money?

The financial tackiness didn’t end with breakfast as room WiFi was being charged at an obscene $10 a night. Even then, you are limited to 3 devices and must pay for more. You can use the lobby WiFi…for a bit. It boots you out every two hours for no god damn reason.

The Boston Sunset Cruise was a must see for anyone visiting the city. It’s relaxing with great sights and the bar has surprisingly good pumpkin cider.

Did You Know?

In America and Canada, the toilet bowls are shallow and the water is surprisingly high. This results in even the most moderately sized gentlemen having to cup their own sausage and potatoes to avoid physical contact with the bowl or, worse-still partial submersion in the water.

And with that I end my travel blog.