With the World Cup coming to an end there seems to be only one favourite amongst a majority of the pundits, France.
Here’s my prediction for what will happen in the final:
The night before the match the Croatian players will be taken out for some fine cuisine. Some people spot Arsene Wenger in the kitchen although this is unconfirmed. Most of the Croatian team are incapacitated by extreme food poisoning later on that night. Only Modrić, Subašić, Perišić and Lovren avoid the outbreak.
Part-time footballer and full-time hate symbol, Nikola Kalinić offers to return to the squad but is promptly snubbed by the manager, the remaining players, the fans and, confusingly, John Terry.
The French pre-emptively celebrate winning the World Cup, although this is still a week later than the English. Champagne is had by all.
Pogba attempts to shape his hair to look like Emmanuel Petit’s when he won the tournament but his hair stylist is so drunk that his head ends up looking like a sculpted replica of the Hagia Sophia.
Modric walks out on his position as country captain, receiving a lucrative contract on Coronation Street as Gail Platt’s long lost sister. Subašić is named Croatia captain much to Dejan Lovren’s disgust and the relief of the nation.
Without the necessary players Croatia looks stumped until their President Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović announces that non-Croatians will be granted citizenship for a chance to play in the final.
Most of the English players apply because it’s the only chance they would ever have of reaching a World Cup final. The Croatians turn down the English because no one wants their players, except for Kane and Trippier who are both probably Welsh anyway.
A trifectorate of ageing champions apply to take part; Pele, Maradona and Philipp Lahm. Pele and Maradona successfully apply for the role. Philipp Lahm is turned down for being too old.
The majority of the squad is made up of players from African nations that France have previously invaded. So most of Africa really.
During the prematch phase Maradona is tested for 35 different drugs. He fails every single test and is sent to the stands. From there he goes on to take so much cocaine that he believes is the protagonist in a Harlen Coben novel, only with more twists.
The Match
Croatia takes a two nil lead thanks to two own goals from Mbappé. At half time UEFA president, Michel Platini bribes Perišić with a Picasso painting. Ivan Perišić continually fouls his own teammates leaving ongoers questioning their own sanity.
The match ends 5-2 to France with Mbappé scoring all 7 goals. The Croatian people collectively lose their tempers and in a fit of rage promptly announce the invasion of all the Baltic states. This event will later be viewed by historians as an act of horrendous stupidity and viewed by youtuber, Tana Marie Mongeau as #notgood.