I promised my next travel blog would be placed on the moon but instead I travelled to a much more alien location, Italy.
I was set to stay in Majestic Hotel in Malcesine, a municipality set on the shores of Lake Garda. Our guide taking us to the hotel informed us that Garda had a home-grown Loch Ness rip-off monster called Benny. A name that induces fear in precisely no one. If I was killed by a monster called Benny, I’d request that my epitaph list a more honourable opponent. “Here lies Ryan, killed in battle with a drunk squirrel named Bert.”
By the time we had arrived at the Hotel we were too late for dinner. I sat down and ate some small pieces of the cold food platter provided for late guests, making no complaints. In no way will I pull a Clarkson.
Malcesine lies in the shadow of Monte Baldo, a 2,218m hunt of rock. On my second day I took a cable car lift to the top of the Mountain. The views were spectacular but that wasn’t the only thing to be found at the top. No, there were also alpacas, biting insects (more on that to come) and an astonishing amount of goat faeces. Perhaps the oddest thing on Monte Baldo was this statue:
To the untrained eye this might just look like a confusingly bad statue but I think I see the creator’s inner Freud coming to the surface.
Malcesine Town is simply beautiful with great views of Lake Garda and pretty lit backstreets, all surrounding Castello Scaligero, a 13th century fortification.
The Majestic Hotel was a rather nice resort although I spent little of my time there. The staff were friendly and the food was “all you can eat” which is most appreciated. Unfortunately, flies around the resort seemed to feel this was also true of them and so sitting outside after dinner is likely to leave your legs with more blemishes than a chip eating thirteen year old. Also, WiFi wasn’t free. Have I somehow missed the memo that this is to be expected? I wouldn’t mind if the WiFi was good but I had issues with coverage and it gave up the ghost when I tried to move large numbers of photos. Thankfully it held up whilst I watched Game of Thrones on A LEGAL STREAM. On the other hand the table tennis was free!
There were lightning storms over the mountains every night I stayed there. This was seen as normal by the locals. Soon it became a minor irritation like the flash of a camera just out of your vision. Lake Garda is not a good place for those with astrapophobia.
Venice is a short distance away from Malcesine. And by short distance, I mean four hours. Our tour guide enthusiastically talked non-stop all the way there weaving in and out of different languages. I found myself impressed by whatever lozenge she was using to soothe the aching of her overwrought vocal cords.
The floating city of Venice is much larger than I had thought and is the assembling of no less than 118 different islands. These islands vary in purpose and architecture. Some being tourist hotspots, others military outposts and still more containing the residential areas. There’s even a Public Garden’s island.
As we made our way to Piazza San Marco our tour guide pointed out the various winged lion statues that adorned many of the buildings. The winged lion has become the symbol of the city and the symbol of one of its patron saints, St Mark. When we reached Piazza San Marco we were reminded that feeding pigeons was illegal. Many of those around us took no heed and fed the winged rats. Eventually police descended on the square to deal with the situation.
Gondolas have become an icon of Venice and romance itself thanks to their prominent placement in media and literature. You can hire one of these for about €120. Each ride lasts between 20 and 30 minutes so the price is very high. For what it’s worth, travelling though Venice’s canals on a gondola is without a doubt the most romantic sewer trip you will ever take. If you can ignore the smell you will find the sights breathtaking.
The skill of the Gondoliers is undeniable. With ease, they move their long canoes through tight waterways often with less than an inch of space.
The Gondoliers all wear a traditional striped t-shirt although their choices for the rest of their apparel is left open for interpretation. Interestingly, Asics trainers appear to be the footwear of choice amongst the Gondoliers. About halfway through the gondola ride, there was a boating traffic jam. The Gondoliers began talking to each other rapidly in Italian with one name being uttered the most, Bruno the Zombie. The sly smiles and eyed rolling of the Gondoliers suggested that Bruno the Zombie came with a reputation for zanyness. I eventually got to see the infamous Gondolier, when we reached the source of the blockage. Bruno was attempting a 3 point turn in a canal barely wider than the length of his gondola, holding up the other boats, all whilst singing an Italian song loudly.
My search for a non-expensive toilet in Venice (don’t bother searching, they are all expensive) was interrupted by a small fracas outside a trinket stall. The stall owner seemed to feel that a man in a wheelchair had bumped into his produce. Once again, I cannot be sure if that is what he said. I cannot speak Italian. I can barely speak English. The stall owner seemed to be demanding a large amount of money for damage done to his produce. In the greatest display of disrespect I have seen in a long time, the man in the wheelchair started biting into the goods intimating that they were of poor quality. At this point the stall owner took out a stick and began striking the wheelchair with it. I walked back the way I came rather than risk getting struck by the stall owner’s wayward stick, or risk getting bitten by the wheelchair man’s wayward mouth.
I visited a number of the towns surrounding Lake Garda. The quickest transport for the area is via boat. Many in the area use the lake for wind surfing and each day brings hundreds of people out onto the lake trying and failing to stay upright.
Midway through my holiday I took a trip to Limone. Limone is a town named and themed after lemons. No doubt those living there are probably tired of the lemon themed things. Even their sexual paraphernalia is lemon themed.
The last city I visited was the picturesque Verona. The city is host to the wonderful Arena di Verona and a train tour with an odd sign.
Verona is perhaps most famous for being the hometown of the mythical Romeo and Juliet. Romeo’s house is noticeably shabbier than Juliet’s and is lacking any movie-like qualities.
However, I think I prefer it as Juliet’s house has become a large tourist trap. The walls surrounding the tunnel leading into Juliet’s abode is supposed to be a tableau of love, filled to the brim with sonnets, tales of love and heartfelt letters. Now it’s just a mishmash of graffiti punctuated with plasters which people use to inscribe their names over previous offerings. Some people are too lazy to even use plasters and have simply stuck chewing gum to the walls which they have then written on.
For those willing to pay the money and wait in queue, you can climb the stairs and hang over Juliet’s balcony. This balcony was never part of Juliet’s actual house and was instead added to imitate the movies and pull in tourist’s cash.
There’s also a statue of Juliet herself mobbed by tourists. Touching the statue’s right breast is said to bring you luck in love. Touching her left breast is said to give you good fortune in money matters. Now many of you may feel that crowds of people queuing to grope the breasts of a statue of a 14 year old girl may seem rather unedifying, if not unsavoury. And you’d be right, it’s just weird.
Our tour guide informed us that the statue needed to be replaced as the original Juliet statue had one of her tits torn by the baying mob.
Summary
Italy is a decidedly odd country. The people are enthusiastic, passionate and way too forgiving of the local pigeons. I swear they even let the things enter and walk around restaurants.
The food is good quality, the pizza is cheap and the ice cream is lovely.
I managed to avoid the rain storms which arrived late on my last day. They made returning to Ireland all the easier. Next up, Llama trouble in China!
