January 23, 2018

Predictions for Season 7 of Game of Thrones

Last season I predicted Jon Snow being resurrected into Melisandre’s body, Mace ‘The Ace’ Tyrell solving the religious dispute and the White Walkers defeat at the hands of global warming. Sadly none of these came true. Hopefully this season I will come a little closer with my predictions.


The Two Least Likeable figures in Westeros to marry

Yes, much to Jaime’s consternation Cersei will shack up with Euron Greyjoy. Their wedding kiss will be the grimmest thing Westeros has seen since the Mountain released his Westerlands Karma Sutra 3rd Edition.

Cersei has little choice but to marry Euron as allies are thin on the ground for House Lannister. Her only other support options are the Frey’s and maybe the Tarly’s. With the Tyrell’s and the Martell’s on Team Dany things are looking less than ideal.

Both Tyrell and Martell ships were seen amongst Daenery’s ships at the end of Season 6


Not Plain Sailing for Daenerys

Expect Euron Greyjoy to wreak havoc on Daenery’s fleet. He’s the most experienced pirate in the seven kingdoms and should be able to overcome even Yara Greyjoy. Daenerys has a lot to lose from a naval battle. Whilst her dragons will assure victory, at what cost? The troop losses could be substantial and I can’t imagine many of the Dothraki know how to swim.

It was previously mentioned that Tyrion was placed in charge of the sewers of Casterly Rock by the Tywin, the constipated old lion. He will use this knowledge to sneak unsullied troops into his old homeground and help Daenerys take the west. Only Tyrion could turn ‘up shit creak without a paddle’ into game winning strategic move.


Gendry Finally Comes Back Ashore

After having built up some mega abs from rowing the length and breadth of Westeros several times, Gendry gets back ashore. He is shocked at how the state of affairs has deteriorated since he left so Gendry goes out to ‘Make Westeros Swole Again’.


Team Stark is so Vogue Again

The South is no longer a threat to House Stark. The winds of winter have arrived, and with them northern consolidation. The Starks have the backing of the Wildlings and the other Northern houses. They should be looking to bolster the wall defence. Harmony will never be able to reign with everyone’s favourite chaotic-ladder bound, sleaze ball, Petyr Baelish around. He will look to force a wedge between Sansa and Jon but Sansa has become too smart for that. I expect he will find himself filled with holes before this season is out.


Team Awesomesauce is Launched

Jon needs to make the South aware of the MASSIVE ZOMBIE ARMY approaching who’s sole aim seems to be eliminate human existence. The only way to make it clear that he is not delusional is to bring a living breathing specimen south with him.

To do this Jon Snow will assemble a team containing some of the most badass warriors around. Jon, Beric, The Hound, Tormund and Thoros seem to make up five of the twelve. I predict the others will be Batman, Optimus Prime and the original cast of The Gladiators.

Team Awesomesauce will go beyond the wall to grab a Wight and bring it to Daenerys. One of them will perish on this mission. My money’s on Warrior.

As many have predicted Daenery’s dragons will be essential in saving Westeros from the MASSIVE ZOMBIE ARMY. If she could just lend one to the Northerners for the weekend they could sort this whole tiff with the Nights King.


Elsewhere in Esteros

Jorah the Explora will cure himself of greyscale only to die from untreated haemorrhoids. When Tyrion hears of this he will be obliged to make a “he always was a pain in the ass” joke. Daenery’s new small council will respond with much eye rolling.

Dario Naharris will keep control of Daenery’s kingdoms about as efficiently as you can expect from a sell sword. I predict Meereen will be transformed into a giant brothel/fight club within two weeks.


Bran Better Not End This Season by Bringing the Wall Down

I swear if Bran somehow accidentally breaks the wall’s magic properties like he broke the Crow’s magic house protection, I will find a way to warg into Meera and shank him myself. The last thing the people of Westeros need is to face Zombie Hodor on a cold winter’s night.

Whether by Bran’s foolishness or by some sort of zombie wrecking ball, I expect Season 7 to end with the fall of the Wall and the unleashing of the wights on Westeros.

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