February 22, 2018

What to Expect in Season 6 of Game of Thrones

With only a few days to go here’s my list of what to expect in Season 6 of Game of Thrones.

The Riverlands are Back

I predict the series will start with some damn foolish thing in the Riverlands. In the trailer we’ve seen Walder Frey looking mighty smug at a feast with some Lannister troops. It’s a brave move for the troops to even go there as Walder Frey and fine dining go together like nitroglycerin and exposed flames.


Whilst the Frey’s might look like they are in charge of the Riverlands, their grasp is really tenuous and almost solely dependent on their imprisonment of Edmure Tully. The Black Fish is still at large and there’s also been pictures of Thoros of Myr showing we will see a return of the Brotherhood without Banners. The Riverlands may be both the opening and the ending of the season with so many plot threads in bad need of resolution there.


Jon Snow Returns

The worst kept secret in the world will come to pass. John Snow will be revived. Most likely by the red bitch the red witch. Yes, Melisandre will take a break from stripping to perform magic for the first time since Season 2. It’s difficult to tell how this revival will take place. Magic in Game Of Thrones always comes with a cost. So far life has been required to save a life (with the exception of Thoros). Jon will most likely be revived into Melisandre’s body. There have been hints for this throughout Season 5. Melisandre saw Jon through the fire and flames and he too saw her. Flames often symbolise rebirth so Jon saw himself in Melisandre’s body. Some might say Melisandre did predict she would meet Arya again so her life is safe until that, but Melisandre also predicted glory for Stannis and we all know how that went! Many of the book readers believe Jon will live on inside his dire wolf Ghost. Their evidence for this is that Jon’s last words are “Ghost”. What they failed to see is that Jon was actually saying the words “Ghui Osst”, which is High Valyrian for “transgender”.


Lady Snow


Mace Tyrell is a Pimp

After brokering a fantastic deal with the Iron Bank, Mace ‘The Ace’ Tyrell returns to fix the problems Cersei Lannister has created. The Faith Militant have been allowed to cause havoc for too long. Here is Westeros’ main man come to save the queen:


Pretty fly for a white guy
Pretty fly for a white guy

Despite his awe-inspiring attire, the Faith Militant refuse to back down and release Loras Tyrell. Margaery manages to escape by taking a walk of shame. Poor Loras may lose his life as war is waged on the religious zealots.


Zombie Mountain Vs The Grave Digger, Cleganebowl Confirmed

The fight you have been all waiting for will happen. As Cersei has a showdown with the Faith Militant she demands a trial by combat and chooses Ser Robert Strong (The Mountain). The Faith Militant choose their grave digger to be the champion of the faith. Once the grave digger’s hood is pulled back, he is revealed to be none other than WWE’s Undertaker. After a truly titanic duel The Undertaker defeats Westeros’ nastiest zombie with a Tombstone Piledriver causing his head to explode into hundreds of pieces.


Boltons and Umbers Vs Starks, Bears and Wildlings

Sansa and Theon Greyjoy will escape the hounds of the Boltons perhaps with the help of Brienne and Pod. Sansa, Davos and Jon Snow plan a Grand Northern Rebellion, gaining support from the Mormonts as well as the Free Folk. Feminists around the world take a united sigh of relief as the writers fix Sansa’s character arc… even though she is still solely dependent on everyone around her. At least she’s free of Ramsay though. The Boltons and their allies the Umbers, are going to lose hard. Ramsay is forced to flee southwards only to be eaten by a stray, yet strangely familiar dire wolf as he tries to cross the Trident.




A New Dawn for the Greyjoys

After the tragic loss of Balon Greyjoy (lol), Euron takes over the family business of raping and pillaging much to the chagrin of Yara. Yara leaves for Esteros where she attempts to steal a dragon and tries some of the local traditions, like lesbianism.




Euron will be a major political player in the coming season with so many of the world’s armies decimated by war or stupidity. Looks like there’s an opening for the Pirates of the Drabibbean.


Bran Will Find out Stuff

Expect Bran to hook into the Weirdwood Tree intranet to find out all of Westeros’ dirty little secrets. He will enter a flashback to see what happened at the Tower of Joy where the Stark forces faced off against the last of the Targaryen Kings Guard. We will find out that Jon Snow is actually Lyanna Stark’s son, not Ned’s. An even bigger shock will be that James Hewitt is actually Jon Snow’s real dad.

Bran will also meet and greet with the Night’s King seeing some goodness underneath his icy persona and icy face.


Sup bro


Danny Likes Horses

Daenerys Targaryen, the Dragon Reborn, is taking a trip back with the Dothraki. No doubt she will be punished and badly treated whilst she gets to know the common man, before rising in power and ferocity just like she does every couple of seasons. Drogon the plot-dragon will bail her out and the Dothraki will swear their allegiances to her in exchange for not being barbequed.




The White Walkers Approach with Winter Itself

The real threat to Westeros has been resolutely ignored by its inhabitants but they will have to face the truth as the wall falls and the Nights Watch is wiped out. It’s almost like a parable for global warming only with less suntan and more zombies.


Do you feel guilty yet?
Do you feel guilty yet?
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