February 22, 2018

Are The Belfast Bikes Heralding In The Apocalypse?

On a beautifully rainy August evening in Belfast, a Mrs Philomena Proctor came across the first crack in ground. It cut deep into Oxford Street. Around 3 foot in length and less than 5 inches in width. An alarming sight to behold on the busy street. The crack apparently goes deep under the Earth’s crust as people have been unable to see the bottom using their camera phones.

This has caused a flurry of rumours across the city. Facebook and Twitter lit up with conspiracies. There were thousands of people tweeting under the hashtag #belfastcracks. Most of these tweets have been responding to the likelihood of an uprising from vengeful demons. Unfortunately others rose to the occasion by sending pictures of their anuses from various parts of Belfast.

Similar cracks have been seen in other parts of the city. All have been found in close proximity to the bike terminals. The Belfast Bikes were under close scrutiny from the outset when some bright eyed online bloggers pointed out the bike terminals are actually positioned in the shape of a reversed pentagram. The reverse pentagram is an occult symbol supposedly placed as a sign post for sinister, ethereal forces.

The blue dotes are the bike terminals which are clearly arranged in a reverse pentagram formation
The blue dotes are the bike terminals.

Whilst the cracks have not caused any major issues as yet they are a worry for local residents. Citizens like Philomena have already been feeling the impact. When queried on the damage caused by the crack she stated:

I near stuck my foot in that thing. What if I had of twisted my ankle because of that? With a sore foot I couldn’t have got to Tescos and would’ve had to use the Mace. Everyone knows Mace is shit.

Those who strongly believe that we are entering the end times have pointed to the Belfast bikes colour scheme as a clue. Each colour on a Belfast bike corresponds to one of the horsemen of the apocalypse.

Bike Colour Scheme

White depicting disease. Red depicting War. Black depicting oppression. Pale depicting death. Bikes are, in a way, a replacement for horses so all the Belfast Bikes users could be consider harbingers of the apocalypse.

Belfast Bikes is sponsored by Coke Zero. It wouldn’t be the first time the Coca Cola Company have courted controversy with their sponsorships. In the past they have sponsored the Qatar World cup, the Apartheid, Chairman Mao’s Four Pests campaign and Borg assimilation.

There have also been reports of a villainous figure visible beneath the cracks. A goat faced creepy figure hiding in the nether glaring at those walking by.

Philomena was adamant she had seen the interloper:

Aye got a wee look at him. Face on him like the back of our David’s teacakes. I told him to fu-. I told him to leave but he didn’t.

Pastor Pat McConnell had a very nuanced view on the cracks in the ground:

Everyone thinks these cracks in ground are a sign of the coming apocalypse and they’re right. It’s got nothing to do with the bikes though. Its the gays and the islams that have brought this on us.


Politicians from both sides of the divide have been quick to counter the escalating claims made by the public. President of Sinn Fein, Gerry Adams had this to say on the subject:

Small cracks in the pavement are not symbols of the end times, the apocalypse or the birth of an anti-christ. There is no truth in any of this. There is definitely not going to be a world ending event. We will not face the onslaught of supernatural forces, hellspawn or Satan himself. I am not and never have been part of the IRA.

When we asked DUP politician Jim Wells about the figure in the darkness he replied:

There’s no apocalypse. There’s no monster down there. A political campaign poster fell into the gap so there’s no need to be frightened. We don’t know which politicians poster fell down there yet but if it’s been described as goat faced then it was probably a shinner.

Charlie Bradley from the Lurgan metropolice had strong criticisms about the reverse pentagram layout of the terminals:

This is ridiculous, it doesn’t even look remotely like a reverse pentagram. Also if you turn the map upside down it looks like a normal pentagram, a symbol of protection against evil.

Charlie’s testimony has been brought into doubt after various news sources found out that he is an Arsenal supporter.


The Belfast Bikes have been hailed as a massive success by the Belfast City Council. The service has seen over 50,000 journey’s completed in less than a year. The takeup rate on the service is higher than that of London or Dublin. It will be expanding to more areas in the coming years.


Is it naturally successful or too successful? Questions remain surrounding the sanctity of cycling and whether its health and financial benefits make it worth risking the wrath of the beast. If there is a demonic invasion the bicycles can always be used as part of the new wheel based martial arts form, Tai-Cyclon-Do.



Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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